SCREAM QUEEN HOT TUB PARTY: Hide This Review Before Your Mom Sees It

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Let’s be honest. Does a movie with a title like Scream Queen Hot Tub Party really warrant a review? It isn’t like you won’t know what you’re going into when you watch it. In fact with a running time of barely 50 minutes you can’t really call it a movie. The best way to describe it is that it’s a Playboy video for B-movie junkies. The brainchild of Jim Wynorski and Fred Olen Ray, the masters of modern direct-to-video T & A flicks, Scream Queen Hot Tub Party (one of the greatest titles in known film history) is a wonder to behold and never overstays its welcome. It’s amazing that this “movie” even exists.

The scream queens in question are Brinke Stevens (Slumber Party Massacre), Michelle Bauer (Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers), Kelli Maroney (Night of the Comet), Monique Gabrielle (The Return of Swamp Thing), and Roxanne Kernohan (Not of This Earth). They’re invited to the creaky old mansion belonging to the mysterious Count Byron Orlok (Nice reference to Peter Bogdanovich’s Targets) for an all-day seminar on how to make the ideal horror film. It’s not long before these lovely ladies are slipping on their nighties (which came complimentary with the ouija board that was delivered to them like a pizza) for a seance to summon their elusive host. On the advise of the board and the sinister and lascivious spirit of the Count (who looks eerily like Richard Chamberlin in his portrait although the women think he more closely resembles Charlton Heston or David Bowie) our fair maidens of the drive-in then get into their bikinis and retire to the upstairs hot tub (which all creaky old mansions should never be without) so the tituar party can begin.

Having acknowledged that the Count isn’t showing up any time soon, at least not in human form, the scream queens decide to conduct the seminar themselves right there in the hot tub. Throughout you get to see generous clips of the queens in some of their finest B-movie work fighting monsters, shooting guns, and taking lots of hot showers. If that wasn’t cool enough, each one of the scream queens gets her own sexy little vignette where she gets to demonstrate the special qualities that have made her popular in the exploitation realm. Needless to say you won’t find them holding readings from The Great Gatsby, though that would have been awesome too.

Brinke conducts a tutorial in how to take the perfect movie shower using herself as a visual aid. Kelli demonstrates her specialty is blasting off huge firearms by first dressing up like a cheerleader and then striping to her panties (and nothing else) for an impromptu weight-lifting session. Monique does her sexy vampire’s dance from the movie Transylvania Twist complete with a hot striptease in a strobe-lit bedroom. To show off her undying love for that most powerful of power Michelle cavorts in her underwear with a chainsaw in homage to her turn in Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers (a very entertaining film by the way). Finally Roxanne gets to fool around with a creep in a monster mask (not very explicit) while she’s doing her laundry and a poster for the Nazi zombie flick Shock Waves hangs in the background.

It’s geeky little details like that that’ll definitely endure this video to the most devoted of schlock gourmands, that is if the many clips of some of the hottest women in Skid Row genre cinema frolicking in various states of undress hasn’t accomplished that already. Scream Queen Hot Tub Party is also funny is a corny, goofball way. Only then-newcomer Roxanne Kernohan really gets to play the bimbo. The others are cool, cheery, and good natured about their chosen profession. My favorites were Brinke Stevens and Kelli Maroney, the latter the source of a lot of welcome cynical wisecracks. Yeah that Maroney kid sure knows how to keep it real. Only the most repressed of prudes will not be able to get carried along by the cheeky fun. Even if the idea of a group of Z-grade actresses showing off their assets and holding innocuous conversations about the crap genre flicks they get involved with isn’t your bag the chances are weak that you won’t have at the very least a modest good time.

Plus directors Jim Wynorski and Fred Olen Ray, here credited (in a geeky nod to The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly as “Arch Stanton” (a pseudonym Wynorski often uses) and “Bill Carson”, make out like bandits in the end. Granted they make out like bandits who only knock over coin arcades for kicks but with Scream Queen Hot Tub Party they had the rich opportunity to splice in clips from some of their own craptaculars to enliven the proceedings. Throughout you’ll find excerpts from movies such as Hard to Die (a.k.a. Tower of Terror), Slumber Party Massacre, Sorority House Massacre 2, Nightmare Sisters, and best of all the aforementioned Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers (Often listed erroneously on screen as Hollywood Chainsaw Massacre!) where you get to see Linnea Quigley (Why wasn’t she invited?) do the awe-inspiring “Virgin Dance of the Double Chainsaws” as Leatherface himself Gunnar Hansen looks on. The dynamic directing duo even give themselves cameos, Wynorski as the creep who gets to paw Roxanne and Ray as the lumbering sicko who sneaks up on Brinke while’s she conducting her shower tutorial.

So there you have it. Scream Queen Hot Tub Party is simply designed to give you absolute pleasure. A Playboy video for horror geeks and B-movie junkies, it’s a delicious hunk of DTV cheesecake that is bad for your health but will linger for hours after you savor the flavor. Now zip your pants up, perv.

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